


Vestige

by PhantomWriter



Category: Bleach
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV Multiple, Post-Canon, Resurrection, Shunuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 11:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomWriter/pseuds/PhantomWriter
Summary: Kyouraku travels to Mimihagi's realm to reclaim Ukitake.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shun813Uki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shun813Uki/gifts).



> just want this out of my system. somewhat inspired by a WolfStar fic entitled ["Beyond the Veil"](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1416891/1/Beyond-the-Veil) by Atalan.
> 
> unbeta-ed.

**Nanao**

Nanao didn't really know when she began to notice it.

Perhaps it was already there since the funeral three months ago, and what kept her from seeing it was how he started tipping his hat lower and lower to cover his only good eye left. She was never able to tell whenever it concerned him, despite the years she had been his lieutenant.

Besides, reading Kyōraku-soutaicho was never her job in the first place.

He never changed in regards to her, and while Nanao was glad for the semblance of normalcy that remained after the war, she began to pick up on some signs that were not previously there—the prolonged silence, grey eye that would stare at an empty space beside him for long moments when he thought she wasn't looking, the hollowed sound of amusement at some Gotei 13 antics, and the carefree smile that no longer reached the eyes. Still, he would give his usual praises of good work to her when she read him reports. Nanao learned long ago that he was actually honest in spite of the exaggeration that tended to accompany them.

But recently, she started to wonder, too, whether Kyōraku-soutaicho was in the same moment as her.

And it wasn't as if somebody other than her could distinguish the Captain Commander apart from Kyōraku Shunsui anymore.

The more Nanao looked closely, the more she could see the former and lesser of the latter.

She never asked where the soutaicho went during his break times since she believed she knew where without asking. She didn't have to be a genius to guess. It was a daily routine that he developed like his afternoon drinking, except in this case the first one was more destructive and something Nanao wouldn't prefer over the other.

Grief.

Nanao failed to grasp the severity of it at the beginning, until she made the mistake of fetching him one time.

There were no tears, as one expected from a grieving person, but she could never forget the haunted look that he had then as he stared down at the inscription of the grave.

Only then did she realized how expertly he was hiding and keeping himself together from falling apart.

When it didn't seem like he noticed her presence, Nanao pretended that she hadn't been there.

* * *

The thing was, she could only imagine what he was feeling.

She had her own losses, but she had been too young to let alone remember them.

Funny that this wasn't something she could learn through books.

"Rowdy as ever," Rangiku muttered fondly across Nanao before sipping at her drink. It was the SWA's long awaited celebration after Isane was appointed captain right after the end of the war, but with everything that had to be taken care of, celebrations had to be put last of the priorities.

They weren't alone in their merriment at the pub the SWA usually frequent. On the other end of the pub were the tables where Captain Iba and his clique were situated and had gathered to knock their heads together on some drinking competition. You would think that after one of them made it to the rank of the captain and some promoted to higher seats, they would serve as better role models to their juniors. But then again, that was asking too much of these meatheads.

Nanao's gaze darted to a corner where the new 11th Division 3rd seat was nursing his drink alone, seemingly out of place without his usual bald companion, who, at the moment, was having an intense arm wrestling with Captain Iba that caused the poor table to break in half, much to the distress of the barkeep. 3rd seat Ayasegawa sighed, rolling his eyes at his best friend's antics before smiling privately. As if sensing eyes on him, he turned at Nanao's direction, blinking.

Albeit awkward, she didn't break her stare, nodding his way. She never interacted with him before, but she did recognize him as the most decent person in the Eleventh who at least knew the basic duties of a seated officer. She also appreciated how Ayasegawa was the one to keep the office of his division up and running with the way Captain Zaraki lead his squad and his former and current lieutenant who were just as bad as their captain when it came to paperwork. When Nanao thought about it, 11th Division was never late in their monthly report, probably because of Ayasegawa doing the miracles from the background.

Ayasegawa's lips quirk into a small smile, raising his glass a little towards Nanao in a gesture of a toast. He was in good mood just as most of the people in the pub. Nanao's attention flittered across the table to where Isane's younger sister was sitting beside Rangiku. She was doing much better these days after grieving as much for almost a month. She held Captain Ukitake in a huge amount of reverence that Nanao wasn't surprised how hung up Kiyone had been on his death. Not to mention, she was also present when Captain Ukitake took his last breath. Kiyone took comfort in the knowledge that Captain Ukitake died a hero, giving his life for Soul Society.

If only Kyōraku-soutaicho shared the same view of the events.

Nanao shook her head. She was being unfair to him.

"Is this seat taken, Lieutenant Ise?" a male voice asked beside Nanao after the commotion from the male soul reapers had dwindled down, along with her fellow females in different degrees of drunkenness. There were bound to be complains of hangover tomorrow at SWA meeting, that was for sure. Nanao was thankful not to be the type to overindulge.

Nanao looked up to find Ayasegawa gesturing at the seat to her left, waiting for her reply. She allowed him with a nod, curious as to why she was approached by the 3rd seat. "Ayasegawa."

Ayasegawa situated himself gracefully at the free space, sparing a wary glance Rangiku's unflattering slumped form on the table. "Just as unattractive here, huh," Ayasegawa commented, wrinkling his nose slightly. "It looks like we're both saddled with the same responsibilities tonight." He sighed, but Nanao suspected this wasn't new. If he was friends with Madarame and his usual crowd, it really shouldn't.

Or if, like her, you were a lieutenant of a notorious drunk as well.

"Although I suppose you're quite an expert in handling this kind of situation," Ayasegawa continued conversationally. It occurred to Nanao that she hardly responded to his attempt of small talk.

"More than you know," she agreed. "But not so much now," Nanao added as an afterthought.

Ayasegawa took a few minutes to answer, as if considering something. "You wanted to return to how things were."

"I do."

"Because you don't like the changes," Ayasegawa concluded knowingly. "That's normal, but one way or another, we have to accept them eventually."

Nanao's mind flashed that vacant grey eye that would look far away, like searching somewhere no one else could see. She stopped the thoughts any further before she could dwell on them again.

"I don't like them," she admitted. "I don't like the changes that I see, because whenever I do, I only feel pity, and it's the last thing the person I highly respected deserves."

"Ah. You wish to understand how much it feels." Ayasegawa idly traced the rim of his cup with his finger. "Unfortunately, each handles grief differently." He tilted his head, shrugging before holding Nanao's gaze. "It's alright to pity him, no matter how ugly that sentiment is. But you have to give him more credit than that." Ayasegawa's eyes flitted to the direction he was previously from, landing with no small trace of fondness at Madarame who was already passed out and drooling. "If I lost the person I am willing to break even my principles for, I don't think I could take it beautifully," he said, practically a whisper if not for Nanao's proximity to him.

Of course, Ayasegawa would know, or at least imagine how it was like. Nanao realized that she was looking at centuries worth of friendship and camaraderie between two unlikely individuals. Not as long-standing as what Kyōraku-soutaicho shared with Captain Ukitake, but just as deep and on its path to make it to a millenium.

"As cliché as this sounds, you have to give him time. Depending on what he shared with Captain Ukitake will determine how long it will take Kyōraku-soutaicho to move on."

"What do you mean depending on what he shared?"

Ayasegawa smiled cryptically. "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

She would have to think about it again with a clearer mind. She didn't know she was asking for an advice, but maybe Ayasegawa was truly perceptive as they said, probably more than claimed if he could read Nanao first before she could herself. "May I ask what gave me away?"

"When you looked at my way earlier. I know that was a mere short glance, but it was enough to discern that you're here with other than the mood for celebrations. Pardon me for assuming, but you strike me as a fixer, and fixers normally stress over problems that are not their own. With you looking heavily frustrated and heavily confused, I put two and two together and made a conclusion. Although, approaching you was a far leap that I took."

Nanao believed it was more than  _putting two and two together_. Ayasegawa's deduction skill was as terrifying and intriguing as his vanity. She tried not to smile too wide. "That's impressive."

Ayasegawa smirked, basking on the compliment. Nanao wouldn't put it past him. "Don't think too hard and needlessly stress yourself; wrinkles are ugly, Lieutenant Ise," he said as a final advice, making a move to stand. "Now, I have a cue ball to bring home and dump on the floor to make him suffer miserably tomorrow morning. If you'll excuse me."

"Thank you," Nanao felt like saying, eyes softening behind her glasses.

"Anytime."

* * *

**Shunsui**

There wasn't even a body.

According to Kotetsu, Kotsubaki, and a number of people who witnessed Ukitake's sacrifice, his body disintegrated after Mimihagi was forcibly taken out of him. Shunsui wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't personally felt how Ukitake's reiatsu vanished, leaving a sinking feeling of finality.

Ukitake had alluded before that he might not be able to last as long as Shunsui could, his way of preparing his best friend that he held in utmost respect. While Shunsui was easy in his dismissal for every century they went past, it never left his mind either, steeling himself during particularly difficult attacks Ukitake would have now and then.

The battles were entirely different.

Ukitake was a capable man himself, and should his condition get in his way, Shunsui made sure to be there to take Ukitake to safety at first notice.

Shunsui wasn't a religious man, but for every battle he and Ukitake survived together, he would murmur a silent thank you to whatever Kami listening. He eventually learned that Ukitake knew of this habit of his and went so far as to clap his hands together while standing beside Shunsui, giving a small prayer of gratefulness.

After the war, Shunsui found himself standing alone on the wreckage, unable to utter a single word of thankfulness for his and Soul Society's survival.

Shunsui let Nanao handle the preparations of the funeral for the several of the fallen. He recalled her hesitance to ask whether he would personally like to oversee Ukitake's. Shunsui politely refused the offer.

At the day of the funeral, Shunsui was surprised how he could stand straight, with the words from his mouth sounding hollow and a cheap rendition of the short speeches given in commemoration of Ukitake.

It must be because of his attention drawn on the pyre that wasn't burning a body.

It was more difficult on the first evening.

Shunsui left for the Ugendō once Nanao retired for the night. He abandoned his usual pace of trek, opting to walk from the 1st Division to 13th using the deserted streets.

It was only after seeing Ukitake's neatly folded  _haori_  sitting on the middle of the room did Shunsui feel the heaviness of losing an integral part of him, a millennium of companionship snuffed out like a candle fire by a strong gust of wind.

He was prepared for this specific moment since the start of the second phase of the war, prepared for this for centuries even, and yet…

There was an ugly twist unlike the initial feeling of emptiness, and suddenly, Shunsui was assaulted with a whole bunch of regrets that existed in the long run despite doing most things together and living without secrets between them.

 _Who are you kidding? There is always_ that _big one_.

Shunsui paid no mind to the female voice that rang, unfolding the  _haori_  and inhaling the last vestige of Ukitake's scent of honey and citrus underneath the strong smell of blood. He gripped the cloth tighter as it dampened against his face.

Somehow… somehow, being alone made it easier to let it all out compared to facing a number of people giving their condolences.

* * *

He stayed until the first crack of dawn, all the while taking note of the presence outside the doors that hadn't left for more than three hours.

"I do not wish to intrude after I sensed your arrival last night, and I thought I should leave you alone, but…" was Rukia's explanation upon Shunsui's exit. "I'm sorry, Kyōraku-soutaicho."

"Ah, if it isn't Rukia-chan." Shunsui offered a small smile. "Good morning to you too."

Rukia looked up at him, and if she noted his terrible state, she didn't speak of it. Her own eyes were doing a good job of being bloodshot themselves. "Um. Good morning, sir. Apologies for my manners." She reddened a little. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Why are you apologizing? I technically broke into your division," Shunsui said wryly. "And, thanks, but there's no need." Shunsui glanced briefly at the sword she was holding on her hand. "Was there something you have to see me for? I could save you the trouble now." His tone took an interesting change at the sight of Ukitake's  _Zanpakutō_  that returned to being an  _asauchi_. Again, Rukia refused to note it.

"I was given Captain Ukitake's sword yesterday. I planned to leave it here with his  _haori_ , but that was when I noticed that you were in there." She held the  _asauchi_  on both hands to Shunsui. "You should keep it, sir."

It should have burned in the pyre along the uniform, Shunsui thought, knowing Ukitake would never part with Sōgyo no Kotowari. He gently pushed Rukia's hand back to herself. "You keep it," he said. "He would have left it to you as sign of good faith and his approval." Shunsui folded back the wrinkled  _haori_  tucked on his arm. He had the idea of taking it with him for safe keeping until a new 13th Division Captain would step forward. "Keep this too. You're the one who should be holding on to this."

"Soutaicho…"

Shunsui shook his head, softly insisting, "Take them." He didn't turn away from Rukia, but whether he was looking at her or beyond, she didn't know. "Please."

"Yes, sir." Rukia gingerly took the articles, noticing faintly how incredibly creased the  _haori_  was. "I'll store them away safely."

Shunsui didn't know if the hand he put on her shoulder was a means of comfort or support for his own.

"I think I'm done keeping the belongings of dead people."

* * *

Sleeping was starting to become a difficulty, of that he was aware.

Shunsui had been sitting in the middle of his bedroom for hours, unable to rest his tired body. Or perhaps he wasn't weary enough yet? Such a waste when the evening was cold with unexpected rain and flashes of lightning, the kind of weather Shunsui secretly loved.

He left with a destination in mind,  _saké_  bottle slinging on his hand.

It could still be a pleasant evening.

* * *

Shunsui could care less if he was lying on a damp ground with the water pouring harder every hour. His body was numb by cold by then, and he stopped drinking when it tasted more of rain water than alcohol.

If they could help him get proper sleep, he could care less.

Just for tonight, he wanted to keep Ukitake company.

* * *

He woke up a few hours later when the rain finally stopped. It was still dark; before sunrise, he guessed. He felt rested enough despite the few aches on his back. Nobody would have thought that he half-heartedly wanted to catch hypothermia.

In spite of that, Shunsui promised to himself that this wouldn't happen again.

But he also knew his tendencies. A part of him believed that one way or another, he would find himself again in the same situation, accidentally or not.

To be safe, the first thing he did that morning was to file a request to build a small gazebo beside the grave.

* * *

While Shunsui didn't make habit of sleeping there at night, he made up by dropping by during his breaks and free time that he could get. Being the Captain-Commander ate most of his schedule, but Shunsui made sure to visit at least once a day. He would return to his division at exactly the same time he told Nanao he would be back. After two months of getting used to him keeping his word in regards to this, she would only wait patiently without searching the whole Seireitei for him. She never asked since she was an intelligent woman who must have known since the beginning, trusting that Shunsui would be returning as usual to resume his duties.

During his visits, Shunsui would take notice of the fresh flowers. He learned that each assortment came from different people. But as days become months, the bouquets lessened to the colors of yellow, white, and blue.

Shunsui learned that the yellow came from Kiyone every Wednesday; white from Rukia at Mondays; blue from Sentaro at Fridays. Sometimes, the whites were double their quantity, which Shunsui found out later on was because the half was from Byakuya or Tōshirō.

Shunsui was never there when somebody would pay their respect, and he supposed that was for the best. He wasn't ready to talk about Ukitake and his sacrifices with another person who knew him less. Shunsui was not being fair, but then again he was never known to be one.

Shunsui just didn't want to see the day when flowers would stop adorning Ukitake's grave.

* * *

It was ironic that he would feel the weight of it all during the long stretches of silence instead of during the day where he could personally see the running mill that was the soul reapers rebuilding the ruined portions of Soul Society. Shunsui was supported by his own responsibility as the Captain-Commanderwho was leading his men fresh out of war. Unbeknownst to anybody else was his additional pillar that bore the insult he did to Soul Society by asking the assistance of Aizen against Ywhach.

On the last day of the second month, Shunsui dreamt of white hair and smiling lips that called him fondly.

" _Kyōraku..."_

In a snap, it all came crushing down on Shunsui.

_I hate you. I hate that you're cheating your way through the new walls I built. I hate that you suddenly decided to show up when I could finally adjust. I hate you for making me lie to myself that I began moving on. I hate you for not being here. I hate that I need you. I hate you for being the half of me that I lost. I hate that I can't accept that you're gone._

Shunsui's mind was on the verge of exploding at the million things he wanted to spat on Ukitake, and if he stopped now, he would be left with nothing more. There were no tears, and only then it occurred to him that he hardly blinked, standing rigid like a haunted man while he stared down at Ukitake's name.

"I miss you, damn it," was what escaped Shunsui between heaves of air. "I miss you so much."

* * *

" _Kyōraku, how are you today?"_

* * *

Shunsui had long learned how to fool even the trained eyes. Being as old as he was, he perfected the art of putting the perfect façade. It used to be a game to him how he was going to be perceived by those around him, allowing him also to classify people into categories. He prided himself on how easily he could put on masks in a blink that even the most perceptive had hard time figuring him out.

And then came Ukitake who could read him like an open book.

With him gone, none would be wiser on the façade Shunsui was keeping up. Not that it mattered now with everybody else's attention diverted and with Shunsui's position that placed him on a level that nobody would dare study the Captain-Commander closely.

"Soutaicho?"

Nanao remained firm on her position even after she told him that she would be turning in for the night.

Shunsui looked up to find her unguarded stance, far from the prim and proper posture she has whenever working for almost all day. "Is there something wrong, Nanao-chan?"

She shook her head. "None, sir."

"If there is, feel free to tell me, alright?"

A stricken look crossed her face then, making way to uncertainty and something akin to… melancholy? "Hey, is everything okay?" Shunsui asked worriedly.

"I should be asking that, sir," she replied, standing straighter. "I know I don't count as a confidant, and I don't know what you're going through, but if you need somebody to listen… I'm here to lend an ear.

"I'm not asking as your lieutenant," she continued, giving a watery smile. "I'm asking as your brother's daughter." Nanao's eyes found the floor first, refusing to see Shunsui's reaction. "If you'll excuse me, sir. Good night."

Seconds ticked by as Shunsui stared at the door Nanao disappeared to, taking the moment to process her words before burying his face on his palms.

_Ah, so somebody noticed._

* * *

" _So how come you can read me so well? You're the only one who can do that, you know?"_

_Ukitake looked amused, like he was letting Shunsui in an inside joke. "Well, they aren't looking close enough."_

* * *

The next time Shunsui allowed the unconsciousness to take over, he was overwhelmed with the sensation of being submerged underwater where pressure was sinking him lower and lower to the bottom until he came face to face with a woman sitting cross-legged.

"It's been a while," Shunsui greeted ahead. The fact that Katen Kyōkotsu dragged him to his inner world by herself meant that she was in a terrible mood—which was understandable given how Shunsui has been shutting her away for some time now.

Katen eyed him critically. "I have no time for your behavior today. I brought you here for a good reason since you refused to hear me out."

"How can I be sure that you're not just bored? I have no time for your games too, I'll have you know," he shot back.

"Oh?" There was a glint on her uncovered eye. "So you haven't stopped moping then?" She smirked knowingly when Shunsui's expression briefly darkened. "Poor man."

"Why exactly have you called me here?" he pressed on as his gaze followed Katen's movement as she walked around Shunsui in a circle without hurry.

She shrugged, finally speaking. "They've been insisting on talking to you. Unfortunately, a soul reaper's  _Zanpakutō_  couldn't communicate directly to another soul reaper that isn't their owner." She stopped behind him, index finger languidly tracing across his shoulders. "But those time you spent practicing a spiritual link with  _him_ must have paid off if they managed to at least reach me."

Shunsui froze at the implication of that statement.  _She couldn't mean_ —

"But I can, can't I?" Shunsui despised that lilt in her voice. She snapped her finger, calling, "Come out now."

As if on cue, two figures materialized in front of Shunsui, with forms as short as those of small children, hands linked together in a tight grip.

 _No, no, no. Even you wouldn't be so cruel to show me shadow plays as intricate as this._ He wanted to laugh. Katen was as much as him that he could see himself doing this for his own peace of mind.

Two familiar boys—Sōgyo and Kotowari, as Ukitake had fondly called them—came bounding to Shunsui in utter delight and relief.

"You finally came!" exclaimed the one on the left, Sōgyo.

"We've been trying to talk to you," the other, Kotowari, said.

Shunsui swallowed past the lump in his throat. Sōgyo no Kotowari stood as clear as a day despite seeing Ukitake's  _asauchi_  after his funeral. "How are you here?"  _I thought you died with your master?_

Sōgyo no Kotowari might be children in appearance and actions, but they were roughly the same age as Katen Kyōkotsu, possessing the same intellect of somebody who has been around for a thousand years. "We no longer have the connection with our physical form, but we're never gone," Sōgyo said.

"How can we, when Juu-chan is still in the same plane?" Kotowari said.

Shunsui's eye widened. "What do you mean?"

"Juu-chan hasn't moved on to the next level," Sōgyo said with worry.

"Juu-chan  _couldn't_ move on and get reincarnated," Kotowari clarified.

Shunsui repressed that dangerous hope blooming in his chest, but he had to know; he had to know whether it was some kind of a miracle or a steep descend to madness. "Is he alive?"

Sōgyo shook his head. "It's not a matter of being dead or alive."

"He's stuck in between, and the scary one-eyed man is there with him," Kotowari added.

"If Juu-chan isn't saved, then he'll be lost forever and will never return to the cycle!"

* * *

Shunsui was returned to consciousness with a gasp that only a drowning man could have.

He calmed his breathing, mind reeling through what happened.

It wasn't a dream, and Sōgyo no Kotowari were as real as they could get. They were real and so what they told him.

Ukitake was trapped somewhere, and his  _Zanpakutō_  wanted him back from that 'scary one-eyed man'.  _Mimihagi._ Ukitake was somewhere that was considered territory of the Soul King's right hand.  _Mimihagi's realm_.

Ukitake might be trapped in Mimihagi's realm… but did it mean that he wanted to be out?

Shunsui had been told by Ukitake himself long ago what would happen to him should he give his life back to the god. Ukitake was willing to pay the sacrifice since he was old enough to learn the truth of his sickness. If Ukitake was long resolved to offer up his life anytime despite knowing he would also exclude himself from the transition of life and death, the question would be…

_Does he even want to escape Mimihagi's realm?_

* * *

**Nanao**

Nanao placed a fresh bouquet of daffodils beside the white carnation Rukia brought earlier.

She had hopes of catching the Captain-Commander here alone, outside the First Division where the line between him and her wasn't functioning as a huge, impenetrable wall. Here in front of Captain Ukitake, she was sure that the Captain-Commander wouldn't have any qualms being himself.

Exactly the person she wanted to reach.

"I may have spoken out of turn to him," Nanao said to nobody in particular. She could imagine Captain Ukitake chuckling, telling her that she tended to jump to conclusions easily. He would tell her then that there was nothing she could do that would make Shunsui angry.

" _You're too precious to him to get mad at."_

Nanao smiled privately. That was exactly what Captain Ukitake would gently say. She would have believed it if Captain Ukitake was here in the flesh, because since he was gone, who knew if the Captain-Commander was still the same man that was Captain Ukitake's best friend.

" _Depending on what he shared with Captain Ukitake will determine how long it will take Kyōraku-soutaicho to move on,"_ was what Ayasegawa told her. It was obvious that the two senior captains shared a bond that was nothing short of brotherly, but the way Ayasegawa phrased it… could he be insinuating something else?

"Nanao-chan?"

Nanao tensed before composing herself, giving a slight bow. "Sir."

The Captain-Commander paused beside her without speaking. She heard him sigh before laying a large hand on top of her head. "Back to being formal now, huh?"

Nanao's cheeks felt warm at the childish pats he gave her. She let him anyway, lips quirking into another smile that was hidden from her captain.

She was worrying over nothing then.

"You don't mind, do you?" He shook the  _saké_  jug he was holding, plopping down inside the shed. "Would Nanao-chan like some?"

Nanao had to suppress laughing when he cowered under the stern eye she gave him. This, at least, hasn't changed.

"How come you're looking for me?" he asked. He immediately know her purpose.

"I wanted to apologize, sir," Nanao replied honestly, fiddling with her fingers while she sat across him. "I may have stepped over some lines."

"No offense taken," he chirped, waving dismissively. The cheerful act was dropped all of a sudden. "Say, does that mean that offer of lending me an ear no longer stands?"

"No!" she exclaimed, turning away in embarrassment at her volume. "I mean, of course it still is."

"Good." He settled down his  _saké_  away, soon joined by his hat. "I may have something to say after all."

Nanao listened, enraptured at how easily the words flowed from him without the aid of alcohol. He admitted to her about the sleepless nights, the one sleep he spent under the frigid rain, the burying of oneself with duties and then breaking down afterwards. Nanao appreciated how open he was being, and the least she could do was pretend not to notice how glassy his eye was and how they occasionally darted to an empty space beside him. Nanao's attention has been on the same spot until he continued.

"Two nights ago, his  _Zanpakutō_  visited me."

"But that's impo—"

"I know," he interrupted softly. "But hear me out first."

She could have drowned his voice, practically hearing the spark of hope while he spoke on how Captain Ukitake might still be existing somewhere. She wasn't a fan of false hope—nobody was, for that matter. But she could hardly muster the courage to shut down his idea, because finally, finally, Nanao could see his former self returning just from the prospect of seeing Captain Ukitake again. Was she hoping for too much when she asked for things to turn back to how they were?

_Are you never going to be alright?_

Nanao's vision blurred as tears clouded her vision unabated. When she sniffed, she was unable to control her sobs, barely paying attention to her captain and no longer caring whether she was hiccupping.

"I don't understand," she managed. "Why are you… why are you…"

"I'm sorry," he murmured, his good eye lowered and lips curved wanly. He simply looked tired. "Love makes the fool out of us."

Nanao shook her head vehemently. "You know you have nothing to apologize for."

"I'm afraid it made the fool out of me too."

_Oh._

_Love... So that's what it is._

Strange that a single word was all it took for Nanao to understand. Ironic, really, that she was actually the fool to not notice it immediately even if she could watch him closely.

"You love Captain Ukitake the same way my father loved my mother despite knowing her family's curse," Nanao concluded, eyes half-lidded behind her glasses. "Are you two…"

She was surprised by the laugh that he gave. "No, nothing like that."  _Too late for that_ , Nanao could almost hear unsaid. "We never were. I doubt he even knows. Never told him," he said somberly. "If I get this one chance, I might."

 _I'm naïve… naïve and blind,_ she thought, guiltily brushing her eyes. He obviously made up his mind already, with or without her aid.

What kind of lieutenant was she if she was going to leave her captain alone now, leaving this man with a solid resolve?

"Would you like me to take a trip to the Library, sir?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta-ed.

**Jūshirō**

_Wake up._

Jūshirō opened his eyes at what sounded like a command. He had never heard the voice before, and yet at the same time it was familiar.

He blinked multiple times at the sudden assault of white to his vision, unable to see where the room ended and started. He sat up and stopped upon seeing the figure sitting cross-legged a few meters from him.

It was a humanoid figure that was purely black in color—a shadow, more like. It was as if it siphoned the darkness to leave the room with only immaculate white.

As Jūshirō stared, two slits appeared at the spot that should be the figure's face, revealing a mouth and a single eye. Jūshirō knew that symbolic eye.

"Mimihagi-sama?" he called.

The mouth formed a smile. "You're finally awake."

It was the same voice that commanded him to wake up, albeit that sounded like it came from a distance. "You called me."

"Indeed. I wasn't expecting you'll answer immediately. Some needed a thorough wake up call," Mimihagi said, head tilting to the side in wonder.

Jūshirō supposed the  _some_ Mimihagi was talking about were those before him that had Mimihagi inside their own body as well.

"But it's not like I lived in them as long as I lived in you."

Jūshirō gave a faint smile, listening. He would be doing just that forever in here, it seemed. Not that he regretted his choice in the end.

_Although, I wonder if they're alright back there._

"Something is troubling you," Mimihagi pointed out. Jūshirō couldn't help but think that a link between him and the right hand of the Soul King still existed.

"Did Soul Society survive?"

"I don't think we'll be here in my realm, talking, if it didn't."

"Kyōraku?" Jūshirō asked before he could stop himself. "Is he…okay?"

Mimihagi merely stared at Jūshirō, uncharacteristically taking his time to answer. Jūshirō began fearing for the worst.

_But what can I do anyway if he really died?_

"He still stand as the Captain-Commander of Gotei 13. Your squad suffered casualties just as the other divisions, but they survived, including those who had seen your final moments."

While Jūshirō was saddened that his third seats were saddled with the memory of him dying right in front of them, he was also glad for their survival. "I'm glad," he said, smiling. "How long has it been since I was gone?"

"103 days in Soul Society have passed."

"I see." It was quite unbelievable to think that he was slumbering for more than three months since his death, when it felt like it was only yesterday when he gave up his life to keep Soul Society standing.

"You are not afraid," Mimihagi stated, studying him intently with the same wonder of a small child on a new shiny toy. "You are not afraid of your fate."

He recalled how Sōgyo no Kotowari had strongly protested and how Jūshirō had to appease them while he started calling for the god living inside him.

" _It'll be alright,"_ he remembered saying to the children gently. He wouldn't forget those tearful eyes of two little boys that he had been with him for more than half his life.

Jūshirō realized then that Sōgyo no Kotowari also embodied the part of him that didn't want to die.

_Maybe the fear of dying never truly left me._

"Quite the contrary, I think." Jūshirō's eyes lowered on his hands on his lap. "But I already made peace with it long ago."

"They don't, usually," Mimihagi said. Jūshirō supposed the god was comparing him to the others that had entered this realm. "This is the part where they beg to escape and ask to be reborn."

"I cannot speak for them, but I also understand where they might be coming from," Jūshirō said softly. "While there is something after death, we really only have one shot in life when we think about it. We became a clean slate once we moved on to the next phase, so it's an entirely different one, not a continuation of the last. I…" He paused. "I'm grateful for the extension you gave me. Because of you, Mimihagi-sama, I got the chance to live my afterlife in service of Soul Society." He smiled warmly. "I don't know if my prayers ever reached you, but I've always been thankful for what you gave me. And now that I am here in person, I can finally say thank you." Jūshirō bowed down.

When Jūshirō straightened, Mimihagi's single eye was trained on him. He would have found it eerie, if not for the knowledge that the same god in front of him grew within his body. Besides, the one-eyed god wasn't radiating eeriness, only intrigue. Jūshirō inwardly smiled at the curiosity the old god has as if he was an entirely different brand of human.

"I accept your gratitude," Mimihagi said after a while, opening his palm. Jūshirō could still detect a hint of confusion.

_Perhaps he isn't used to being thanked._

Mimihagi stood and gestured for Jūshirō to do the same. "Let us continue on our way then."

The formerly formless white room shifted to became a single path with stone double doors at the end. Jūshirō followed obediently without a word. He took the time to study himself—the constricting feeling on his chest was no longer there, making him feel lighter; he couldn't see his overall complexion, but the skin on his arms have color in them. His attire wasn't different from his  _shihakusho_ , only it was as white as his hair and was impeccable without so much of a crease.

They stopped in front of the stone doors that looked larger than Jūshirō expected it to be. There were inscriptions of unknown language etched on the doors, with markings of sun and moon on each. There was the symbol of an eye being held by a right hand at the very center where the two doors meet. It wasn't far from Mimihagi's idol in Rukongai.

"Beyond lay your memories," Mimihagi said. "Due to the way of life that you led previously, you are granted to take three memories with you. You are allowed to change any aspect of the memories that you choose, given that they are within the parameters. For example, if you chose a certain memory where you are conflicted between two choices, you can take the other choice this time and see for yourself where it could have led. Think of it as revisiting time, although the changes do not affect the outside world."

Jūshirō suddenly thought of those that came before him and tried to imagine what they could have felt then, being given a false sense of chance to correct their mistakes. "May I ask what is the purpose of this?"

Mimihagi seemed to know well what was behind the inquiry. "There is no human who died without regrets. A regret, big or small, is still a regret. There are always what-ifs, isn't there? Although most are already forgotten, the fact that they exist in your heart is proof. The purpose of this is to give closure to souls whose fate are sealed, like yours and those before you who had joined me in the end after we passed through what lay beyond these doors. There will be no going back once we get to my gate."

_Closure before finality, huh._

"The humans that had been here often chose memories that they deemed important, or change them into what will bring them happiness and satisfaction," Mimihagi continued.

"These memories… do they become yours?"

"Yes, they do. As they became part of me, the memories they brought became mine as well. The souls that went in the heart of my realm might not be as many as those that reentered the cycle of rebirth, but I had seen a fair amount of variety. It is like seeing multiple stories at once, where the more I watch the more I understand humans and their concept of life. Although, in my years, there is still a single human emotion that I am not privy of." There was something akin to thoughtfulness at Mimihagi's tone. Jūshirō never dared to ask what it was, not wanting to pry. Though he must admit that he was curious.

"Have you already decided?" Mimihagi asked after giving Jūshirō enough time to think. The god wasn't rushing him, but Jūshirō didn't want Mimihagi to wait for too long either.

Jūshirō nodded, oddly prepared and tentative at the same time as the doors opened wide inwardly.

"Keep in mind the first memory you plan to traverse." Mimihagi gave a reassuring smile. "It'll be alright."

* * *

He was blinking, and the next thing Jūshirō knew, he was already in a different place—the specific place he pictured—and where everything seemed taller than they used to.

He looked at his hands that were now small, childlike, just like the rest of his body. The breeze tickled his bare neck, causing his fingers to card through his short white hair.

 _It's me that got smaller,_ Jūshirō thought with nothing short of fascination.  _I got younger._

His surroundings were recreated exactly how he remembered the back of Genryūsai-sensei's barracks. It was spring on his first visit here, sitting under the maple tree in bloom as he waited his host to return from his office.

Jūshirō chose this particular memory due to it being his first recollection of feeling very much alive. As a kid, he mistook it as the earliest feeling of being healthy and fit as a fiddle after the strain his lung disease had put on his young body, but when he got older, he realized that it was then that his life started. It was the exact moment that he decided to be a Shinigami and be as brave and as dedicated as Genryūsai-sensei. He made a decision then where his responsibilities would lie and where his life would be spent.

 _I was quite a serious kid back then,_  Jūshirō thought idly.

He left the cool shade of the tree, sauntering towards the direction of the receiving room. There was no change that he wanted to do in here; he wanted to carry this memory with him as a reminder of sorts where his life began.

Jūshirō was abruptly pulled from his thoughts at the sudden thundering footsteps nearing him. He turned and was surprised to find a brunet boy close his current age stopping in front of him to catch his breath. "Ukitake," the boy wheezed.

Jūshirō blinked, taken aback. "Yes?" If he remembered correctly, he was the only guest at Genryuusai-sensei's barracks that time. "How did you…" He trailed off and took his time to look, to really look, and felt utterly stupid for not noticing the brown hair and those eyes—while he was used to seeing them lazy with a matching grin, or sometimes tired, or the most recent since he became the Captain Commander… just solemn, his gaze always heavy like he was carrying the weight of the world—he couldn't mistake those young and still innocent grays.

The young Kyōraku scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Sorry, I just heard from Yama-jii that there's another boy here, and, um, you're Ukitake, right? Ukitake, Jūshirō?"

Jūshirō had to keep himself from grinning in amusement at the hopeful expression Kyōraku has. "That's me. And you are?"

"Ah!" The brunet darted out a hand. "I'm Kyōraku, Shunsui!"

"You're quite an energetic boy, aren't you, Kyōraku-kun?" Jūshirō teased. He never knew Kyōraku was an enthusiastic kid like this—but on second thought, he could somehow see it.

"Somebody has to for the both of us," Kyōraku murmured.

Jūshirō hummed thoughtfully. "And here am I who thought I'm looking healthy today, because I sure feel it."

Kyōraku's eyes widened. "No, sorry, I don't mean it like that."

Jūshirō's eyes twinkled in amusement. "I know." He laughed. When he recovered from his chuckling, he found Kyōraku staring fixatedly on him. "Is something wrong?"

Kyōraku's young face softened, cheeks coloring as he turned away shyly. "N-Nothing. It's just that... Nothing, really."

In that split second hesitation, Jūshirō thought he saw a flash of the Kyōraku he knew.  _Ah, I miss him._

"Is that so?" He helpfully dropped the subject. "Say, do you like sweet potatoes? I heard that the Captain Commander likes them. I heard that he cooks them with his own  _Zanpakutō_. I wonder if the taste will be different," Jūshirō shared, walking side by side with his companion.

It earned him a laugh from Kyōraku. "Eh? Ryūjin Jakka probably makes a mean batch of sweet potatoes. We should have Yama-jii share us some."

Jūshirō had no intention of changing this certain memory, but whatever caused it to, subconsciously or not, he was glad that it did.

He appreciated every opportunity he could get to talk and stand beside Kyōraku.

* * *

**Shunsui**

There have been a couple of sleepless nights spent on poring over dusty books at the library, searching for any subjects related to the Soul King's right hand. There were barely any, and if there was any mention of Mimihagi, it was only in passing and written on old brittle pages. They would hold off their research at least two hours before the start of office hours, enough to get rest, if not a nap.

While Shunsui greatly appreciated the huge help Nanao was, he still often tried to talk her out of it, insisting that she should be getting rest. Nanao would sternly turn them down every single time. Times like this was when Shunsui was grateful to have two lieutenants, where the other one remained well-rested and functional.

It was past midnight, after two pots of strong tea and when Shunsui's eye and head began hurting, that they think they got their lucky break.

Nanao found a nondescript journal that was stuck between two thick tomes about the history of Soul Society, the name of the journal's writer already faded with how old it was. Fortunately, no matter how yellow the edges of the pages were, it was still possible to make out the characters written down.

"It's more of a diary, I think," Nanao said, with Shunsui hovering behind her chair as she carefully flipped through the pages. She let out a small gasp. "There's a mention of the one-eyed god."

"Mimihagi?"

She shook her head. "It didn't say, but they described it as a fist with an eye. There's a sketch here…" Nanao pointed to a mostly faded drawing of what resembled a hand with a tunic. Shunsui had only seen the idol of Mimihagi once or twice, but he could definitely see the resemblance. " _I draw what they called the one-eyed god…_ " Nanao read, squinting to make out the next words that were mostly covered with blobs of ink. " _…don't know the name… they call it a god… stagnation governance… cure. They said it can cure her cond—_ That's the only thing I can make out from this portion."

Shunsui nodded. "It's alright. Although we can't get a name, I think it's already telling who this god is." There wasn't a lot of 'one-eyed god' around Soul Society, of that he was sure. "What more does it say?"

The back of the next page was mostly a mess of ink smudges coalescing to form spots. Only three sentences could be made out at the bottom of the page which Nanao read, " _Sacrifice… won't let it take her…_ " Shunsui pretended that he didn't notice the brief glance Nanao gave him. " _It's not a god. It never cured her in the first place,_ " she continued, the particular sentence clearer than the rest. " _It left her and took her body with it. It left me nothing to mourn for… I condemn it… she's not yet… I went to the shrine…bathe it in oil…_ " Nanao exhaled. " _It's not a god… snatched her body… there was a huge fire… didn't even burn… demon._ "

They could practically feel how the words radiate hate to Mimihagi, and Shunsui… he understood in a way that he could sympathize. The writer lost an important woman in their life—could be a mother, a sister, or a lover—and Shunsui lost somebody important from Mimihagi too. But it was this kind of hate that he didn't have, for he knew it was an acceptance from Ukitake's part a long time ago. Shunsui never held Mimihagi at fault, instead it was how fate dealt a gentle soul a bad hand and how stupid Shunsui had been to waste the little time he had left with Ukitake that were heavying his mind.

Shunsui knew that he should have made peace with his feelings long before Ukitake slipped from his hands. He knew that the future was never certain, and Shunsui didn't learn from that.

"Sir?" Nanao asked. "Are you alright?"

"Hm? Don't mind me, just thinking," Shunsui said, slumping on the seat to her right. "Anything else interesting there?"

She thankfully didn't pry any further, skipping page after page of recollections that were no longer incomprehensible. When Nanao was down to three pages left, Shunsui supposed they hit another dead end, the journal proving only as an outlet for frustration and grief by the person who had written it.

Shunsui stood, gathering the books he deemed would no longer be needed to return them to their respective shelves. They've been making a bit of mess with the number of books, both thick and small, scattered on the table and some fallen on the floor.

"Sir!" Nanao jolted out of her seat, surprising Shunsui at the sudden loud sound echoing at the empty library. "I think I found something important." Nanao continued talking as Shunsui returned to his previous location with no small amount of hope resurging. He swallowed it back.  _It could be nothing._ "Whoever this person was, he mentioned inventing three Kidō spells that should help in getting into the realm of the one-eyed god. Here, it says right at the beginning of that page." Nanao pushed the journal to Shunsui, taking the heavy books from him in turn.

" _I spent years to study, devoting myself in perfecting the demonic arts, the only way I see myself reaching this so-called 'fallen god'. In my study and research on this being whose history was muddled with time, I figured that since it is at least known to govern stagnation, its power must be in relation to_ _time_ _itself. I draw this conclusion due to the synonymy of stagnation with stopping of development, growth, progress, and change—all heavily proportional with the force of time. With this knowledge, I tried to create a spell that could halt time in a given space, as to my understanding (and hypothesis), this is where this one-eyed being exists—the pause between a continuum. I will only need even a split second, but to say it is difficult is an understatement. I am dabbling with an arbitrary and powerful force that is equally stable and unstable at the same time, if it makes sense at all. Should I be successful, this spell shouldn't be allowed to be freely practiced._

" _The second spell that I invented would allow me to transport myself from one location to another. The Westerners call this process teleportation. I myself is not sure whether how far the reach will be, but I designed the spell to bodily teleport myself at once through the opening that I'll make. Again, if I am to be successful, this should be forbidden to be practiced freely._

" _Lastly, I devised a tracking spell. While I_ _will_ _make sure to make it through, I am not sure how will I navigate my way. In an unknown location, I might get lost, and so the spell I made will make a path for me to her. To be absolutely sure I will be lead to her, I will have to find an item that still contain traces of her reishi, what remains of her unique soul signature… if there still is._

" _I am aware that I sound like a madman. They say that this obsession has gone for too long that it is slowly taking my life. They urged me to accept my loss as another unfortunate event. They told me to move on. I can't. I cannot find peace in the knowledge that I can do something more. I became a shinigami for this purpose alone… my life's purpose has always been for her._

" _But as I end this writing to go on my way to retrieve her, I came to think that I've become a shell of my past self. I do not wish this fate to anybody else—the path of loneliness where only death is certain in the end."_

There were no pages left, and there hung a heavy air. "It didn't say whether they're successful," Nanao said quietly once Shunsui was finished reading. "What if—"

"The Kidō that he mentioned—the first two could be the forbidden Kidō," Shunsui interrupted, knowing what she was about to say. "As for the third, it could be a modified  _Kakushitsuijaku_."

Nanao looked away, chewing her lip. She sighed before answering, "Yes. That may be it. The problem is how you will find an item with strong traces of Captain Ukitake's reishi, with most of his close belongings burned at the pyre."

There were two objects that Shunsui could think of. "I'll look for some tomorrow," he lied. "Well, seems like we've got the most of it. Think we can call it a night."

Shunsui was subjected under Nanao's searching eyes. "It's alright, sir. I think we can look more about the forbidden Kidō. It's still early for us anyway."

"Whatever you say, Nanao-chan," Shunsui said with a small chuckle. She seemed determined to keep him around tonight.

Shunsui wouldn't put it past her.

* * *

Shunsui shrugged the pink kimono, placing it over Nanao's slumbering form. Her tiredness and the dire need for more hours of sleep must have overridden her renewed enthusiasm. Shunsui smiled fondly, clearing away the papers and books near her head.

"Thank you for the help," he said quietly. "But I have to do this alone."

He tucked a newly made letter in between the pages of her everyday binder. She would find it soon once she woke up.

Suppressing his spiritual pressure to avoid detection, Shunsui flash stepped away to the direction of the 13th Division.

The Ugendō was as silent as he last visited it, although it wasn't empty as expected, the inside lit, showing a silhouette of the current 13th Division Lieutenant.

Shunsui made his presence known once he was outside the only door of Ugendō. Rukia immediately stood, awaiting his entrance.

"Sir," she muttered with confusion.

"Good evening, Rukia-chan—or good morning."

"Good evening, Kyōraku-soutaicho, I—" She drooped her shoulders. "I couldn't sleep."

"Makes the two of us," Shunsui said. "Ukitake's sword and  _haori_ , are they still here?" he asked without further ado. He was hoping to slip in the division, but it was just as good that Rukia was up. It saved him the trouble of searching.

Rukia kneeled in a box nearby, extracting its contents that were exactly what Shunsui was looking for. She looked like she was going to ask what for but decided against it.

Shunsui uttered a quick 'thank you' and was about to leave when he stopped, turning back to say, "I might be able to get him back."

Come morning, Rukia would think it all a dream.

* * *

Shunsui landed on the location of Mimihagi's shrine within minutes.

He wasted no time to draw a large circle with black powder, dividing the shape into four quadrants with the appropriate symbols. He set himself in the middle, with Ukitake's  _haori_  and sword laid down, and began the incantation for  _Jikanteishi_ , followed by  _Kūkanten'i._ While he wasn't the type to use Kidō, it wasn't to say that he wasn't adept (though this was more of Ukitake's expertise and Nanao's); still, the last two were a bit taxing. It would have been ideal if he has Nanao's assistance on the whole process, but Shunsui would rather keep her out of committing an offense.

His lips quirked into a smile—the Central 46 would have a field day once they learned that he performed two forbidden Kidō.

Undeterred, Shunsui proceeded to begin  _Kakushitsuijaku_ without incantation, and instead called, "Mimihagi-sama… Mimihagi-sama… I request entrance to your realm…"

Repeating the same phrase over and over with hopes that the process was working at it should be, Shunsui determinedly poured his desire to reach the one-eyed god, getting deeper and deeper into concentration until—

The sound of cicadas stopped and the air abruptly paused in their swirl, as if time was suspended around him.

There was a sudden shift in Shunsui's surroundings. The night breeze gone completely and the darkness of the night was replaced with brightness that assaulted his vision when he opened his eye. Shunsui regarded the new location—except, there was nothing to take notice of due to the fact that there was not even an object, only him and a shadowy figure that has the form of man facing him.

"Who demands the presence of Mimihagi?"

"Just a shinigami, Mimihagi-sama," Shunsui said, giving a small bow.  _To think it was this easy._

"Is it?" The voice asked. "You think it is so easy to get here."

"Yes," Shunsui admitted without a beat.

"But what makes you sure that you are in my realm? This could all be an illusion that a I decided to play on a whim."

"It could be, but it's you that I seek. From you I wish to take a soul back."

"Ah, but you do know that the souls I take is but a form of payment after I lent them my power."

"Then I will pay you myself," Shunsui said. "If you will take everything of me except my eye."

Mimihagi's single eye regarded Shunsui carefully. "It speaks of your arrogance if you think you amount equally to the soul you wanted to retrieve from me."

Shunsui gave a wry smile. "True. I may not be worthy of him, but Ukitake sure as hell worthy to give my everything for, that's why it is only myself that I can think of to give."

Mimihagi's mouth formed a smile. "You are prepared, I see."

"Frankly, I only decided this an hour ago—but yes, I'm ready for a while as to what I should give in exchange if ever I get the chance to get him back. A life for a life."

"Interesting," the one-eyed god said. "Although… you misunderstand. What I value is not life. I am a part of the Soul King, and like him, I see the future. Unfortunately, I only see that single end, not the other end which is the past."

 _The past?_ Shunsui was given a moment to dwell on the statement. If the past was what Mimihagi would rather take, how could he _—oh._ "Memories. Memories are windows of past events. You want my memories in exchange of Ukitake."

Mimihagi grinned at his quick uptake. "Indeed. But I am picky concerning this matter. The memories that I want are something that involve the soul that you are after, since they are stronger and the most valuable to me." The god looked at him once again. "But as I said, you are ready, therefore you are willing to give them to me so easily even if it means losing them forever, and that makes your sacrifice so cheap. For your audacity and bravery, I will make it a test for you, giving you a chance to think your decisions through and decide in the end whether you truly want to proceed with this."

Shunsui's gaze remained unwavering. "How?"

"I will let you walk through your memories involving the soul you wanted. In my realm, you can alter them to your choosing that is within the scope of that certain memory. Fret not, for they do not affect the outside world. However, they may affect your future decisions and aspects of your mind, and there are tendencies wherein you can be lost. There have been some that had been too immersed with this capability that they learned to fool themselves into thinking that it was their reality. How you choose to change the course of your memories, or not, is how I will judge whether they are worthy of equivalent exchange with his soul."

"And if I failed to prove them worthy?"

"I will erase all your memories of the soul and of this encounter. You will no longer be able to remember my realm and your reason why you sought me. Thus, you will never reach me again."

The odds were high against Shunsui, and it was his fear that Ukitake would someday be forgotten by those he loved. What if Shunsui forgot him too?  _Will you forgive me for that?_ He wondered.  _But it will also mean that you'll be the last I see before…_ Shunsui swallowed thickly. It suddenly made him curious as to what happened to the writer of that journal they found. Did they succeed in the end, or did they get lost in their false reality?  _Or did they forget about the person they were trying to take back?_

"You hesitate."

"Because I do not want to forget him. He doesn't deserve that. He—"  _Deserves to live more and enjoy the world for the rest of his life. Ukitake deserves to live peaceful and happy._ "He is deserving of a lot of things."

That was why Shunsui was here in the first place. That was why he wanted Ukitake back.

"I accept the condition," he said firmly. "Should I fail, then so be it."

_It just means that I have to succeed. And I won't leave here with an empty hand._

Seemingly satisfied with his answer, Mimihagi said, "Very well."

Shunsui watched as Mimihagi called forth two doors behind him. As he lifted his hand, the doors parted in a heavy drag where only a long darkness could be seen beyond.

"You may proceed."

* * *

When Shunsui opened his eye, it took him a few seconds to register the odd sensation of being full of energy and that he was seeing with both his eyes.

He blinked in both disbelief and utter surprise when he saw his childlike arms and hands. He felt his smooth face that was without even a hint of stubble; hell, there were barely any hair on his arms. His hair was short that didn't even reach the chin, and he felt  _bouncy_ , for the lack of better word. And giddy, for some reasons he couldn't explain.

 _Am I this energetic as a child?_ Shunsui didn't remember. He could feel the boyish excitement for the world around him radiating from himself. It was nostalgic, and it made him wonder where this boy in him had gone to.

He surveyed the area and immediately recognized the back of Yama-jii's division where his living quarters we're located. Shunsui's mind helpfully supplied him with flashes of Yama-jii reprimanding him on his first visit for wandering around too much. This memory should be his third or fourth visit, where he recalled a boy with snow-white hair sleeping under the red maple tree. Shunsui could never forget the first time he saw the heavy contrast of white and red.

This was when he first met Ukitake.

It wasn't so much of a first meeting for Ukitake, since for him, they formally met at the Academy. Shunsui never told him before that he had seen him here first as a child. Well, it wasn't like they interacted. Shunsui had only passed him by then, not wanting to disturb the sickly-looking frail boy.

_And I would find it years later how wrong I was to call him 'frail'._

Shunsui's short legs ran as fast as they could carry him. If Yama-jii was here, he could scold him all he wanted later. Shunsui missed the old man, too, that he would rather hear Yama-jii talking his ear off.

Shunsui halted before he could collide at the boy with a mop of white hair. "Ukitake," he said, catching his breath. There was still some adjusting to be done with his young body.

"Yes?" Ukitake blinked, his surprise apparent. "How did you…"

 _Right_.  _He_   _doesn't know me yet_. Shunsui awkwardly came up with an excuse that Ukitake hopefully bought. "Sorry, I just heard from Yama-jii that there's another boy here, and, um, you're Ukitake, right? Ukitake, Jūshirō?"

Shunsui couldn't even blame him for being amused. "That's me. And you are?" Ukitake asked in that high young voice of his.  _Who would have thought it would get deep?_

"Ah!" Shunsui gracefully exclaimed, remembering his manners. "I'm Kyōraku, Shunsui!"

"You're quite an energetic boy, aren't you, Kyōraku-kun?" Ukitake said lightly.

 _Somebody has to for the both of us._ Shunsui thought that he probably looked like a ridiculous overeager kid right now.

"And here am I who thought I'm looking healthy today, because I sure feel it."

It occurred to Shunsui that he said it aloud, much to his mortification. "No, sorry, I don't mean it like that."

Mimihagi must have been thinking what a spectacle mess Shunsui has been doing at making first impressions.

"I know." Ukitake laughed, taking Shunsui aback how similar it sounded and look to the Ukitake that he knew. He might have grown, but his laugh and smile were still the same: how they reach his eyes and how his face lit up like Shunsui's sun. Shunsui couldn't stop staring.  _I miss your laugh. I miss you._  "Is something wrong?"

Shunsui looked away, his face feeling a bit warm. "N-Nothing. It's just that..."  _I won't get tired of hearing you._  "Nothing, really."

"Is that so?" Ukitake helpfully dropped the subject. "Say, do you like sweet potatoes? I heard that the Captain Commander likes them. I heard that he cooks them with his own  _Zanpakutō_. I wonder if the taste will be different," he said, beginning to walk down the hallway. Shunsui matched him step by step.

Shunsui recalled an anecdote from Yama-jii during the  _Zanpakutō_  rebellion. He gave a chuckle. "Eh? Ryūjin Jakka probably makes a mean batch of sweet potatoes. We should have Yama-jii share us some."

The more Ukitake talk, the more Shunsui found himself attentively listening. He loved the sound of Ukitake's voice, young or not, that Shunsui knew that he could listen to it forever. There was something calming in his tone, like a gentle rocking of waves relaxing you.

Shunsui learned then that the way Ukitake's eyes would spark when he was talking about his family and things that he was passionate about was an unconscious habit that never left him even as he got older.

And for Shunsui and his young heart, it felt like the beginning of a fall all over again.

He wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

In the next shift, there was a drastic change in the environment and Shunsui's perception.

He still has the vigor and vitality of a young man, but he was no longer a boy. His chin felt somewhat itchy, and when he scratched it there was a goatee. He was wearing the standard male uniform of the Academy, and that alone told him when it was.

True enough, Ukitake was there across the table, poring over his notes and textbooks. There were fewer ones opened in front of Shunsui, and it wasn't even his, the handwriting obviously Ukitake's.

 _Written examinations. They just had to be part of this,_ Shunsui mused, stealing another glance at Ukitake diligently studying.

"How did you manage to rope me into studying again?"

"I agreed that we'll go out drinking if we both passed," Ukitake answered without looking up, sweeping away his hair from his face.

Shunsui couldn't pinpoint when exactly he was—he always studied Ukitake's face instead since they became study partners (only because of the reason Ukitake said).

Ukitake sighed, looking up to him, defeated. "When I think about it, it's like I set myself up to never win against you. You know I will try my best not to fail, and you're intelligent enough to get the top marks without studying." He let out a groan, pushing his hair again away from his face. "I'm going to be drunk every post examination for the rest of my stay in the Academy, am I?"

Shunsui grinned at Ukitake's dreadful realization. "Think of it as tolerance improvement."

Ukitake huffed, fingers pushing away the persistent strands of hair. "You're enjoying this because I'm an ungraceful drunk."

Shunsui followed the pale hand that kept trying to push away the same hair. Shunsui's leaned slightly, arm reaching across to Ukitake, his index finger tucking away the white bangs behind an ear. "To be fair, nobody's graceful when drunk," Shunsui muttered distractedly.

When Shunsui's fingers accidentally brushed on the ear that turned red on the tip, he swiftly pulled his hand back, unable to look straight ahead.

Shunsui busied himself with the borrowed notebook, sliding to his seat as low as possible, with the open notes serving to hide his face from Ukitake.

_Smooth, real smooth._

Surreptitiously peering over Ukitake after the bout of stifling awkwardness, Shunsui was rewarded with Ukitake's normally pale face with an adorable pink.

Shunsui would never forget that sight.

* * *

The next memory skipped seven years later to their graduation.

The first thing Shunsui noticed was Ukitake's longer hair that went above his shoulder if not for the small hair tie behind his head.

"We're graduates now," Ukitake said, as if he didn't believe it. "Time runs fast, does it?"

Shunsui hummed in agreement. In his situation though, it was  _skipping_. "So, 13th?"

"Yes. 8th?"

"Yeah. I heard they got more women there," was what escaped him automatically. He and Ukitake has an unspoken agreement that they would grow together as soul reapers, but not side by side. Shunsui respected that. They both need to plant their roots on their own.

Ukitake's chuckle chimed pleasantly. "Well, I wish you luck either way."

"Geez, don't make it sound like a farewell," Shunsui chided. "But, you too. I'll see you around?"

Ukitake nodded with a smile. "I'll see you around." His eyes softened when he added, "Um, a lot of people may have said this to you already, but… Good work, Kyōraku, and thank you too for helping me in my studies and during my episodes."

 _'A lot' he says, but you're always the one who compliments and in awe of what I can do that most don't pay attention to._ Because while the class clown was funny and clever, he was never admired outside his antics. And because he was the second son, the family has already pretty much threw him away to be a shinigami.

Shunsui flicked Ukitake's forehead gently. "You're a top student."

" _We_ are top students," Ukitake corrected. "Your strength has always been different from mine," he reminded him. "You're a fast learner, so you adapt easily to any given situation. It's amazing! I think it's really important for a shinigami."

"Says the person who can memorize books," Shunsui argued for the sake of arguing.

"That's exaggerating. I don't—"

"Fine. The hardworking student and the person to quickly advance in Kidō then."

"But I wasn't not the one who blasted the entire wall with a perfect  _shakaho_ and missed the target only because he went to class hungover."

Shunsui blinked. "You still remember that?"

"Of course. Everybody was laughing because they thought your Kidō ran askew like most who tried. And I was there—gaping, I'm sure—because it completely escaped them that you did that without any incantation."

_So you watch me closely too, I like I do to you._

"That makes a good Academy story," Shunsui said with a shrug.

"Yes, yes, it is. Ah, I remember too when you did that…"

Shunsui listened Ukitake recollect, all the while feeling a particular warmth in his chest. Ukitake spoke about him with the same wonder and twinkle in his green eyes whenever he spoke of his interests, mentioning even the smallest of Shunsui's achievements with pride and appreciation that Shunsui was never given by anybody else.

For Shunsui, meeting Ukitake was his greatest feat.

* * *

Shunsui was wearing  _shihakusho_  on the next memory, Katen Kyokotsu drawn. His senses were on high alert like he would during battles.

Though by the looks of it, he was during the aftermath of one.

He thought back to this certain event and came up with that particularly difficult excursion in the West Rukongai, one of his first battles as a shinigami that earned him respect of his squad mates, and in the future warranted him a prospect as a lieutenant.

He recalled that it was also a joint mission with a group from 13th, Ukitake among them.

Shunsui searched for him and didn't find him nearby. There were no casualties among the soul reapers, but there were a number of Rukon residents already preyed on by the Hollows that managed to slip through unnoticed. The numbers would have been larger if the company of soul reapers delayed for more than a minute.

He excused himself from the corpse retrieval operation, walking within the perimeter when he realized that Ukitake must have concealed his presence instinctually. Shunsui wasn't looking long when he spotted Ukitake at the backyard of an abandoned house a few meters away.

Shunsui halted, looking at the small, unmoving bundle of white fur streaked with red on Ukitake's lap. Ukitake didn't seem to notice him, eyes drawn on the kitten gently cradled by his palms.

"Someday, I'll die like this too. Alone," Ukitake said in a whisper, and Shunsui wouldn't have heard it if not for his proximity.

He heard it long ago, remembered how lonely Ukitake must have felt there and then being reminded of his fate and illness that would often bring him near at death's door.

Shunsui remembered making a promise to Ukitake that he wouldn't let it. He remembered how Ukitake smiled and said that Shunsui always knew the way to lift somebody's spirit. They both knew that they gained lifetime companions, and it was another of their unspoken agreement as well: never let the other be alone when one was bound to die. Maybe that was why they were together even in battles, at the back of their minds carrying that promise.

_In the end, I never kept my word._

"Hey," Shunsui spoke as he approached Ukitake. "Are you hurt?"

Ukitake jolted at Shunsui's voice before shaking his head. "Thank you for your concern. You?"

"Peachy." Shunsui's eyes darted back at the poor kitten.  _Too late for promises again._  "We should bury it."

They dug a shallow pit on the earth and laid the animal. Ukitake got a short branch to stick on top of the mound to serve as a grave marker. He murmured a small prayer for the departed soul, and Shunsui mimicked the gesture, paying his respect to life no matter how small.

"Thank you, Kyōraku," Ukitake said with a bow before they joined their respective groups.

* * *

There was still a distinct lack of  _haori_  over Shunsui's back when the next transition happened.

Though there was a lieutenant's badge wounded on his arm, and when he saw what was in front of him, Shunsui could pinpoint exactly this event.

The grave in front of him was marked with his older brother's name written with fresh coat of paint.  _It was a few days ago_ , he thought with surety.

The difference this time was the ache that used to be there had long turned dull by the years. He rarely visited him these days, and experiencing the loss and being assaulted with the fresh images of his brother on his deathbed brought back memories that he would rather forget.

Because while his older brother was never close to Shunsui and he remained like that unattainable person until the end, his death never sat well with him, causing Shunsui to grieve him alone as he pushed everybody away.

Shunsui coped differently then.

 _Here am I simply reliving this, and you still have this effect on me,_ Shunsui thought wryly. "I never really liked you, brother."

"Kyōraku?" Ukitake's voice came from Shunsui's left. He was carrying a small bouquet of white cut flowers. "Condolences."

Shunsui gave a single nod, stepping back to allow Ukitake some space to lean down and place the flowers.

"How are you?" Ukitake asked.

"Alright as I can be."

"They say that you've been absent since the day before yesterday."

"I—I don't really feel like facing people yet," Shunsui replied wearily.

"I understand. It's just that… you always think that you should face this alone. You don't have to."

Shunsui was briefly reminded of Nanao reaching out to him when he mourned alone for Ukitake. "I know."

Ukitake made no move to leave, but his hand darted out to catch the end of the sleeve of Shunsui's uniform. "I'm here, Kyōraku."

Shunsui shrugged it angrily before, thinking him patronizing, because what did Ukitake know growing up to somebody else's shadow? And once that huge block hindering your shine was finally cleared, what else would that left you other than feeling exposed? Shunsui had been so furious then than he missed the way Ukitake was looking at him in search of understanding what Shunsui was going through that Ukitake was clueless about.

_I've been a fool numerous times when it concerns my own feelings._

"Don't leave me by myself today," Shunsui said, half in plea.

"I won't."

* * *

There was an apparent change from the poignant atmosphere when Shunsui transitioned to the memory that followed.

He was a good meter away, but he could hear the merriment of the whole 8th Division from his position. The moonlight twinkled the lanterns into bubbles of colorful lights as if the stars that night descended on Soul Society.

There was a wisp of long white hair that entered Shunsui's line of vision, and there Ukitake was with his hair kept with a tie like he used to more than a century ago.

Ukitake turned to him with an ever present smile, an  _ochoko_ on his hand. "They make a cute couple, don't they? Your 3rd and 5th Seat," he commented.

The bride was certainly a sweet and lovely lady that everybody in the division doted on, and her groom was a hardworking young man who would rise the earliest every day. It had been a small ceremony where the family and the close friends of the couple were invited. Most of the 13th Division, the squad the 8th usually do drills with, went at the reception with their Captain and Lieutenant Shiba whom invitations were extended as well.

"Match made in heaven, I say." Shunsui raised his cup for a toast. "To the newlyweds."

"To their future." Ukitake took a tentative sip before placing down his cup. "Did it ever enter your mind?" Shunsui hummed behind his cup for Ukitake to elaborate. "Settling down, I mean."

If Shunsui thought hard, yes, it did come to his mind on occasion, but his reply would be no. Kids would have been fine, and Shunsui was sure he would have spoiled them rotten, especially little girls. But imagining himself coming home to a wife seemed…

Shunsui wanted to laugh. He could chase women and openly express his love for their masses, but he couldn't picture himself being a husband of one.

"Kids, maybe. Wife, no, frankly."

Ukitake was mildly taken aback, until he gave a small giggle, his cheeks already tinge with pink by the alcohol and the cool evening. "I should have known. I keep forgetting what an adventurous man you are."

While adventurous was an apt adjective, Shunsui could think of another reason why he couldn't see himself in that light. "Well, how about the known handsome captain of the 13th? Is he planning on making a family soon?"

Ukitake scowled at the way Shunsui was using one of his lesser known nicknames. He huffed, looking wistfully as his shoulders sagged in defeat. "While that could be nice, I do not want to burden my family with my illness. I could pass it to my children, and my partner would spend most of their time taking care of me. That would be unfair for them."

 _Only you would think himself a burden._ "Then that means that you have to find somebody willing to carry that burden with you. Or better yet, somebody who don't care about that. As they said about marriage:  _In sickness and in health_."

"When you put it that way," Ukitake said with a grin. "If you don't mind me asking, what's your reason?"

Shunsui could easily lie, and he probably did in the past, but being under Ukitake's sole attention and earnest expression made Shunsui spill only honesty. "There's always this someone who I can only see myself with," he said softly.  _It has always been you and nobody else._

"Oh."

"If they ask, I'll give them the world," Shunsui said, not daring to break the eye contact. He could get lost on those greens. "If they ask me to marry them, I'll get down in one knee and ask to be my half… if they think they are not already."

Ukitake's hair was being swayed by the evening breeze as if in a tease. Momentarily, it covered his half-lidded gaze. "Must be someone very special."

"They have no idea how much."

Ukitake turned upwards in appraisal of the skies. "They must have an inkling at least, because it's stupid not to," he whispered.

"Hm. They'll probably agree with that." Shunsui was mildly surprised, but he welcomed the head on his right shoulder and the white hair that came along with it that tickled the side of his chin. This close, Shunsui caught a stronger whiff of that honeyed coconut shampoo that Ukitake was using. He inhaled the scent mixed with the smell of something sweet and that unique signature that was purely Ukitake's.

"They'll say yes," Ukitake suddenly said. "If you ask them to marry you, they will say yes."

"You sound so sure."

"I am, because I know they're willing to make an exception if it is you."

Shunsui's smile was hidden from Ukitake. "Then I'll die happy knowing that."

Shunsui's arm encircled Ukitake's shoulders, pulling the man to him. Ukitake snuggled closer without protest, humming in satisfaction.

For once, Shunsui wished that he could stay in this moment for eternity.

* * *

**Jūshirō**

When he chose his next, his mind instinctually supplied him this.

The first thing he noticed was he was feeling pleasantly warm, far from feverish warmth that he used to have frequently. When he glanced at his hand, he supposed the alcohol was the reason for it. His tied hair was lightly being billowed by the wind that was cooling his skin, specifically on his nape, creating a contrasting temperature.

Jūshirō found this certain event recounted much more vividly than the previous; maybe because the first one has been a childhood memory, meaning it was centuries ago for a soul.

 _This_.  _I remember this well,_ he thought fondly as he turned to his side where Kyōraku was,  _where he always was_. The memory of a wedding reception over the 8th was recreated exactly how it was—with he and Kyōraku far away from the rest of the guests but were part of the celebrations in their own way. Jūshirō couldn't help but remember feeling old this early in his life.

"They make a cute couple, don't they? Your 3rd and 5th Seat."

"Match made in heaven, I say," Kyōraku said with a quirk of his lips. He shared to Jūshirō once his positive opinion on the newly wedded pair, acting like a wise old man on his subordinates. Give or take a few more decades, they would be considered two of the most ancient captains. The way time was running in Soul Society was ridiculous. "To the newlyweds."

Jūshirō clinked his cup against Kyōraku's. "To their future." He surreptitiously stole a glance at Kyōraku, with no small amount of curiosity, admittedly, that made him ask, "Did it ever enter your mind?" He paused. "Settling down, I mean."

In their years of friendship, Jūshirō was already aware of the fact that Kyōraku was the kind to not easily give away his answers to personal questions. His most favorite tactic was evasion, and if that didn't work, he would flat out refuse to answer. That time, Jūshirō knew he would be getting an honest one, with how Kyōraku put down his guard, replying, "Kids, maybe. Wife, no, frankly."

Jūshirō wondered how could he even be startled by that. He couldn't even picture him being tied down, but he could see him as a father. He had seen Kyōraku with his niece, that was why, while Kyōraku wasn't as blatant as him, Jūshirō could see the natural affinity Kyōraku has for children.  _And he still considers Nanao one,_ Jūshirō thought amusedly. "I should have known. I keep forgetting what an adventurous man you are," he ribbed.

He was definitely asking for it when Kyōraku countered with nothing short of a tease. "Well, how about the known handsome captain of the 13th? Is he planning on making a family soon?"

 _Cheeky, he knows I don't like being called that._ He shot him a dirty look, knowing Kyōraku never took it seriously in this kind of situation, and this situation was when he was first asked on his future that was outside being a soul reaper. "While that could be nice, I do not want to burden my family with my illness. I could pass it to my children, and my partner would spend most of their time taking care of me. That would be unfair for them." He was already the captain for a few decades around this time, and honestly, Jūshirō had long abandoned the thought of his future that wasn't related to giving his life in service of Soul Society. He found it pointless and quite damaging to his old resolve.

At least, that was what he had in mind in the past when he had the same conversation with Kyōraku in the past.

"Then that means that you have to find somebody willing to carry that burden with you. Or better yet, somebody who don't care of that. As they said about marriage:  _In sickness and in health_." Kyōraku made it sound so easy, and it probably was in this rare opportunity given to Jūshirō.

"When you put it that way," Jūshirō said, relenting as opposed to disagreeing. "If you don't mind me asking, what's your reason?" he asked, remembering he never came around to asking Kyōraku that bit, due to the subject that never came up again—avoided it, probably, now that he thought about it.

"There's always this someone who I can only see myself with," Kyōraku said in a foreign tone that Jūshirō never heard him use. He could detect a mixture of fondness as heavily as the regret and sadness, but Jūshirō couldn't be so sure; Kyōraku was never easy to read.  _What a complex man._

"Oh," was what he could muster in the midst of confusion when Kyōraku's sole attention and focus zeroed on him, like he was looking  _in_ him.

"If they ask, I'll give them the world," Kyōraku continued, and Jūshirō didn't dare interrupt, nor was he breaking the gaze. He could make out his reflection in Kyōraku's eyes. "If they ask me to marry them, I'll get down in one knee and ask to be my half… if they think they are not already."

Jūshirō could make out his reflection in Kyōraku's eyes, with an honest adoration that he never saw before, and…  _oh, maybe I did notice it often, but I never look to see it for myself this closely._

 _It makes sense now._ "Must be someone very special."  _Or dense of me to only notice today the affection you have for me._

"They have no idea how much."

Jūshirō realized that he completely missed his chance at this wonderful thing with his stubbornness.  _I failed to see you and what we could have,_  he thought guiltily.

"They must have an inkling at least, because it's stupid not to."  _I've been stupid not to._ He smiled sadly.

"Hm. They'll probably agree with that."

Dormant as they might be, they were there—the affections that went beyond friendship, something that Jūshirō might not or might have unconsciously pushed down.  _More often than I care to admit._ This must be one of the most common regrets of souls that Mimihagi encountered.  _And to think that this would become a regret of mine too._

Jūshirō's head fell back on Kyōraku's shoulder like he should have done originally. He found it the most fitting to do at the moment. "They'll say yes," he said, another smile hidden from Kyōraku. "If you ask them to marry you, they will say yes."

Jūshirō entertained an alternate life where he wasn't ridden with a sickness and bounded by duties of a soldier. Would he arrive in the same moment in time, with a person who mattered the most on his side, looking at him like he hung the stars?

"You sound so sure."

 _Because it's you, and that is reason enough for me._ "I am, because I know they're willing to make an exception if it is you."

"Then I'll die happy knowing that," Kyōraku's voice came like a whisper against the top of Jūshirō's head.

When Kyōraku began pulling him close, Jūshirō readily followed underneath Kyōraku's arm. He wanted to squeeze back the large hand that was holding his shoulder, to assure himself that he was here with Kyōraku like it wasn't a dream at all or a quite literal trip down the memory lane.

Jūshirō didn't, because he was always living even the littlest moments when it came to Kyōraku.  _I never needed assurances ever since._

He knew this was a memory worth keeping.

_I wish I could stay here with you forever._

* * *

**Shunsui**

The dreary atmosphere returned without preamble.

It was raining, and Shunsui was out in the weather without so much of a cover other than his trademark hat. He wasn't easily dragged out during an ongoing hard downpour of rain, but when he saw the person a few distance away ahead, Shunsui knew why he was out here in the first place.

The scenario was almost the same when he was in that memory of his older brother's recent death, except this time it was Ukitake standing in front of the grave marker and it was Kaien Shiba's name written on it.

"Kyōraku," Ukitake called out without turning around. "I'll be done soon."

"Take your time," Shunsui said simply without moving closer. He would give him the space he needed, but no way he would leave Ukitake alone.  _Just like I did before._

"I was weak," Ukitake said. "I  _am_ weak. I can't even save my own lieutenant, and I even subjected a young woman to the trauma of killing her close friend."

"You did what you could with Kaien. You let him have his fight."

"And I shouldn't have," Ukitake let out forcefully. "It was a mistake."

Shunsui didn't know that Ukitake felt that way deep down. They never talked about it before, and it was never brought up again that made Shunsui thought Ukitake already made peace with his decision.

Shunsui approached him without haste. If Ukitake sensed him coming closer, he made no move from his current position. Shunsui gave him space before to grieve, just because that did  _so well_ for him.

Not this time. No.

"Hey." Shunsui grasped his shoulders to have Ukitake face him. "Look at me." Ukitake glanced upwards; he wasn't even crying, but there was clearly anguish and anger at his own. "It's not your fault." His hand crept to Ukitake's neck, guiding his head to his shoulder.

As Ukitake wept with the skies, Shunsui didn't let him go even for a second.

* * *

There wasn't much noise, but the tension was palpable.

And Shunsui… he knew this the moment he opened his eyes.

He was on air, with the Fake Karakura Town below him. It smelled of blood and different burnt materials around him; it smelled of battle. By his current state and how Ukitake was positioned not far from him, with his  _Zanpakutō_  in shikai and ready, and with Starrk in his resurrection form and his guns drawn out, Shunsui could pinpoint exactly when during the battle this was.

 _Then in the next few moments…_ Shunsui's mind was muddled with too many information at once when he heard the sound of a  _garganta_  opening to reveal Wonderweiss and the hollow with a huge bulbous body that came with him.

When Wonderweiss's arm shot through Ukitake's chest without missing a beat, Shunsui mentally cursed at his slow response.

He already knew of this event,  _goddamn it,_ and yet he couldn't stop it and the kid.

Shunsui refused to let the fury blind him today, even as he went after that kid, even as Shunsui heard the wet squelch of the kid's arms coming from Ukitake's body. Shunsui was aware of Starrk in  _sonido_  right behind him, waiting for the right chance to point his gun on his shoulder.

Halfway to Ukitake, Shunsui directed a low level Kidō at Starrk's way to throw the  _espada_ off guard for the split-second that Shunsui needed. While Starrk barely batted an eye on the attack, it made him pause with the tiniest hint of confusion—understandable, Shunsui wasn't one to use Kidō every now and then, and he most certainly wasn't supposed to.

Shunsui's hand held the back of Ukitake's  _haori_  just in time for his fall, encircling his arms around him protectively. Shunsui wouldn't let him fall.  _Not again._

He landed on the ground gingerly, with Ukitake in a bridal carry. He placed him half-conscious on a nearby boulder, sweeping the white hair away from Ukitake's face. The visoreds would come soon, followed by Unohana not long after. "You'll be alright," Shunsui told him, thumb caressing a cheek. "You will survive this."

Ukitake mustered a small smile. "I believe you."

"Rest now. Save your strength. Unohana will be here later, she'll take care of the rest."

Ukitake looked like he was going to ask why Shunsui was so sure of it, but instead his fist clenched at the edge of a sleeve. "Take care of yourself."

Shunsui gave him a lopsided grinned. "Will do," he said, watching as Ukitake's eyes fluttered close.  _He'll be fine._

He leaned in, planting his lips on Ukitake's forehead. "Soul Society will win. I will win."

_At least I've caught you this time, and that's what matters the most._

* * *

**Shunsui and Jūshirō**

This was the end of the line.

For Shunsui, what would happen afterwards would depend on Mimihagi's decision.

For Ukitake, he would proceed to the next step of being a part of the Soul King's right hand.

Shunsui landed on scattered rubbles, searching among the desolation of the area. There was a skip in the beat in his chest when he found equally searching eyes meeting his gaze. He wasted no time to get to where Jūshirō was, where the latter met him halfway, rushing to get to Shunsui and stopping only when they were only an arm away.

"I was looking for you," Jūshirō said, breaking the silence first.

Shunsui gave him a wry grin that he hoped didn't show his desperation in trying to commit to memory every inch of Jūshirō's face. "That's funny, me too."

Jūshirō briefly closed his eyes, memorizing the sound of Shunsui's voice that he wouldn't hear again after this. Mimihagi's presence felt closer this time, perhaps because of the activated  _Kamikake_.

The finality of the situation hit them both with the same intensity that a dying man could feel within his bones. They were both dying in their own way, and neither of them could say.

"Are you going now?" Jūshirō asked.

 _I don't want to._ "Yeah."  _Because Aizen was an important variable to win._

"Can you promise me that you'll see this through?" Jūshirō said. It should have been out of the blue, too out of context and different from how Shunsui remembered it happened, but at the same time it wasn't. "Live, will you? Soul Society still needs its Captain Commander."  _I want you to live._

"So are you. The 13th needs you."  _I need you._ "You speak as if it's—as if you know."

"I cannot change it, Kyōraku," Jūshirō said gently.  _I cannot change my fate anymore._ "But I'm glad I still got to see you."  _Before the end._ "This is probably sudden, but can I hold your hand for a minute? It's fine if you don't want to."

"You idiot," Shunsui muttered before pulling Jūshirō in a tight embrace, surprising Jūshirō briefly before he returned the gesture with the same enthusiasm, carding the dark hair with his fingers. It was something new that Jūshirō knew immediately that he would miss, as well as that lips that kissed his temple.

With the circumstances they had, this was the one thing that they were never privy of as the decades passed them by.

They spent their lives next to each other but never with one another.

And maybe in another life, the three words would be the easiest to say the most.

_I love you._

* * *

**Shunsui**

Shadows bled to the scene, engulfing the surroundings with darkness, and it was as if Shunsui was falling into an abyss instead with his arms wrapped around nothing but air.

There was no Ukitake.

That in itself pretty much said what Mimihagi's judgement was.

_I lose._

A set of doors appeared to his left. It was the same double doors that he entered at the beginning, except they served as an exit this time and was opening to a bright light that shone like a beacon.

For Shunsui, this was the end, for once he exited the realm, he would stand at the familiar ground of Soul Society without any idea how he came there and the reason who.

Ukitake's name wouldn't even ring any bell, and a huge chunk of Shunsui's memory regarding him would seem like entering a fugue state.

"Shunsui?" Ukitake's voice echoed from Shunsui's right, jolting him.

"Ukitake?" He looked exactly like how Shunsui remembered—long white hair and bright green eyes, wearing his uniform under his  _haori_. He looked so  _alive_  and Shunsui wanted nothing but to kiss the life out of him to make sure that he wasn't seeing things.

Ukitake smiled in disbelief. "I knew you'd come, but I still couldn't believe it."

"Is that really you?"

"It's me," Ukitake replied with a smile. When Shunsui made no move from his position, Ukitake reached out a hand without moving a step forward. "Come here, will you, Shunsui?"

Shunsui began moving towards him.

* * *

**Jūshirō**

The last vestige of the memory evaporated to reveal the white room where Jūshirō originally came from, and there stood the one-eyed god, waiting as if it wasn't that long.

Perhaps it was true in some sense—Mimihagi's domain included a standstill of time.

"It is time to go," Mimihagi announced.

"Mimihagi-sama," Jūshirō said weakly, eyes lowered and unable to look straight into Mimihagi's sole eye. He nodded, unconsciously rubbing his arms to mimic Kyōraku's warming presence. "I understand."

_I'm not ready after all._

The same set of doors opened behind Mimihagi, but if it was only a whirlwind of black before, it was only a shining light now that was akin to sunlight.

Jūshirō knew that there was no heaven and hell in Mimihagi's realm, and what was laid past this light and his fate were beyond human comprehension. But whatever it might be, he trusted the one-eyed god would bring him peace as part of Mimihagi.

"Thank you," he said, straightening his composure. "It was a much appreciated opportunity that you gave me, Mimihagi-sama."  _I managed to see him for one last time._

His feet paused at the doorway, calling back, "I'll be going now."

Jūshirō went on until the doors groaned close behind him.

And if his vision became watery, he was lucky that nobody else was there to witness it.

* * *

Behind the closed doors, Mimihagi remained unmoving, pensive as he folded his hands.

"No, thank you for making me experience what humans call sadness."

* * *

Jūshirō first registered the sunlight hitting his skin pleasantly.

Next was the wind that brushed his face and swept the strands of his hair.

The heightened familiar spiritual pressures and gasps of disbelief were another matter entirely.

When he finally opened his eyes to see the shocked faces of most Gotei 13 Captains and lieutenants, he wondered whether he was in a dream where he came back to Soul Society alive.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta-ed.

**Nanao**

She immediately sensed that something was wrong.

Nanao jolted from her seat when she could no longer detect the presence of the Captain Commander, his spiritual signature already faint inside the library. When she scrambled under the pink kimono draped like a blanket over her, she found the nondescript envelope tucked in her binder, labeled with the Captain Commander's name in neat penmanship.

She angrily put it away, knowing that what she would get was a delegation of duties and his choice of person to take on the responsibilities that he left— _no, just… no._

Reading it would mean accepting that he was gone to a place where he wasn't even sure he could ever come back from.  _Where he couldn't come back from._

He wanted an easy way out, and Nanao was too stupid to see that he was willing to take any chance he could get even if it meant suicide. And she slept like a baby instead of standing guard.

When she reached the 13th, Rukia wasn't a bit surprised to find her, looking equally concerned herself at the very first crack of dawn.

"He was here to get Ukitake-taicho's sword and  _haori_. I didn't know what they were for, and I gave them readily to him," Rukia said once Nanao explained the situation to her. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for. It's just that I'm worried. Kyōraku-soutaicho was never the same, and I thought—" She bit her lip. "He might have wanted to follow Captain Ukitake."

Rukia, who was calm and collected at the situation, shook her head. "I don't know him as you do, but I believe him. For some reason, I believe that he can bring Captain Ukitake back." She reached out a hand and squeezed Nanao's clenched fist. "They will be alright. If there's somebody who can do it, it's Kyōraku-soutaicho."

Needing support and stability, Nanao returned the gesture. She needed all the assurance that she could have.

"For the meantime, there's something that we can do. If not for them, then at least for ourselves."

* * *

There were irrefutable evidences as to where the Captain Commander vanished.

At the shrine of Mimihagi were the mark of a tracking  _Kidō_ , Captain Ukitake's  _asauchi_ , and his haori laid on the ground.

As expected, he wasted no time in performing the ritual.

"We can only wait," she said to Rukia not far behind her.

"And hope that Kyōraku-soutaicho succeeds."

* * *

It was Captain Kuchiki who found them first out of his concern at his sister's absence. Captain Hitsugaya who was due to personally deliver a report at the First Division followed, with Rangiku on his heels and shooting Nanao concerned glances. The missing Captain Commander brought forth the attention of Captain Iba, Muguruma, Ootobarashi, and Yadomaru as well.

They didn't take kindly of the news like Rukia did, and Nanao couldn't blame them—they felt betrayed by the Captain Commander's decision to enlist the help of an incarcerated traitor.

"His decisions as the Captain Commander were questionable. I'm no longer surprise that he took this flight of fancy, listening to what his dreams told him," Captain Kuchiki said coldly, face not giving away even a twitch.

Nanao didn't have to hear the rest to know that they more or less agreed.

She remained firm on where she stood, arms hanging limp on her sides.

All she has to do was wait.

* * *

Captain Hirako and Soi-Fon we're brought by the loud pulse of foreign  _reiatsu_ that vibrates from below the land of where Mimihagi's shrine stand.

Captain Soi-Fon brought the  _Onmitsukidō_ with her, not hiding her distaste on what she thought was Kyōraku-soutaicho's antics.

Nanao was on edge as each ticking seconds that turned to a minute; minutes that turned to an hour; and an hour that turned two and more.

And she wanted to yell, to set aside respect for once just to ask what they knew exactly.

She didn't realize that her shoulders shook until Kiyone came beside her for comfort.

"Rukia told me. Ignore them. It's going to be okay. I believe in Kyōraku-soutaicho," she said, full of hope and optimism that Nanao envied. "Sis will come later with Kotsubaki and Yamada to bring you food. You haven't eaten, have you?"

"Thank you." It was more than the support she needed. At least she could still count on the few. "You shouldn't have bo—"

It happened so fast like a snap of a finger when a gate that vaguely resembled the opening of the  _senkaimon_  appeared on the center of the faded mark of  _Kakushitsuijaku._

And amidst the confusion and shock was Captain Ukitake dressed in white robes, looking utterly lost and perplexed like Nanao was.

* * *

**Jūshirō**

_No way._

"Ukitake?" Tōshirō asked, stepping closer. "Is that really you?"

"I'm—This is impossible." Jūshirō confusedly searched for the answers in the small crowd that met him. "I was dead."

"And yet you are back." Jūshirō watched as realization dawned on his young face. "He succeeded."

"Who?" He need not ask, it seemed, because Kyōraku's absence was painfully obvious from the start.

When he met Nanao's eyes that were ready to burst into tears, Jushiro felt as if the Soul Society gave away underneath him.

* * *

**Shunsui**

He began to approach Ukitake—and halted.

He grinned wryly, saying, "That's really cruel, you know."

Ukitake's face fell. "Shunsui?"

"See, I don't know what you are. I don't know if you're a figment of my imagination, or if you're somehow a part of him, but he... he never did call me with that name. He was always this kind of person who was too polite to use my given name. For him, the formality despite the familiarity was done out of respect. I highly respect him too so I've done the same.

"And  _you…_ you have the gall to cheaply imitate the man I love and respect the most, beckoning me to join you like that's what Ukitake would have asked me to, when in reality he would have kicked me out of this place by his own if he could. Still, I'm grateful for the reminder that whatever the outcome is, he wouldn't hold it against me.

"I bet he would have liked me to waste myself on paperwork for the rest if my life, the slave-driver." He chuckled, turning his back.

"Your guest is leaving now, Mimihagi-sama. I appreciate the hospitality," he called out, giving a wave to nobody in particular before stepping into the light. "Later."

* * *

If Shunsui was to hazard a guess, he would say it was close to noon.

Still a short time considering it felt like he was gone for more than a few days.

Or perhaps he was really gone for days that was why he was met with the sight of almost all the Gotei 13 and the  _Onmitsukidō_. His ass was bound to be hounded for this, that was for sure. Especially Nanao.  _Especially her._

Unless, of course, they could get past this good looking white-haired man that snatched him first for a tight embrace out of apparent relief. He smelled nice too, like honeyed coconut and assorted sweets. When green eyes glanced up at him, Shunsui thought he could get lost in them.

"I'm glad that you're alright," the man whispered in a deep voice that Shunsui knew he would never get tired of.

 _Ah, I love this person._ He looked like he was on the verge of crying not long ago, but he was smiling now, and that was what mattered.  _I want him happy._

_I love him._

Then Shunsui supposed it was fine to lean down and capture the handsome lips. He tasted sweeter than his scent, soft, and equally passionate and enthusiastic to return the kiss. Shunsui internally rejoiced to learn that the feeling was mutual, that he could have this man and his smiles for himself.

It felt like he already missed a lot of chances with this man, and this time Shunsui wasn't planning to waste it.  _I won't let him go._

 _Ukitake_ , his mind helpfully supplied, echoing from the farthest recess.

"Ukitake," Shunsui said, as if tasting the word for himself.

It was a nice name.

* * *

**END**


End file.
